On the Outside Looking In

Hello again! I left you when I had recovered from the carbon monoxide incident. I worked hard for many years at this one company. I began working at a entry level and soon was transferred up to supervisory level. It was during this time I met my second husband, yes I did say "second." He like the first was my best friend at first. We enjoyed fishing and just about everything together. We married after a year and within another year we had our beautiful baby girl!! During all of this time I continued working up until the day of her birth. I believe the last few weeks I did go to part time, but I took a lot of work home and was basically still working. I was so lucky in so many ways while working. I had fallen numerous times in the hallways and I never injured myself or my child. I had even contracted chicken pox (for the 6th time) and my child was not affected. It was a tradition that every Saturday we would go to my parents to play cards with my mom and grandfather. Oh how I loved those days, and my grandfather!!! I will fill you in more about him, and how wonderful our sweet Lord brought him into my life! This particular Saturday night, was just like any other. We played cards until 10:30pm and we went home. I think I finally got to sleep at midnight to only be waken up at 2:00 with labor pains. My water broke about 3am and off to the hospital we went. I was SO nervous but never showed it because my dear husband was a basket case!! It was but a few hours later we had our beautiful girl in our arms. I only had labor for a few hours and then she was born. She was born at 7am and I was home by 1pm the same day. Yes, I did say that I was home with my baby just 6 hours after giving birth. It was not easy but I did get my doctor to finally sign off on it. Mother and baby was just fine. I was so grateful for my wonderful mother, she came and spent the first 10 days with us to care for the baby. I never told her, but I was so relieved because I really had the FIRST BABY fright of not doing everything right. Those were good months at first, until the day came that I just cannot get the image out of my head. My husband and I took turns on getting up with the baby. It was his turn. She had been crying and he could not get her to stop. He was tired and cranky and he just lost it. I was laying in bed and I heard him yelling. I jumped up out of bed and ran into the nursery to find him yelling at her and shaking her. Ladies, I just cannot tell you the emotions that came over me. I ran up to him, grabbed her into my arms and pushed him away. I was so shocked by his actions. I knew that from that moment was the most pivotal moment in our lives as a couple. I tried to talk to him about it. And made the decision from that day forth not to ever leave her alone with him until she got older. What a awful feeling it is to know that you cannot tell anyone what happened because he was such a good man. I began feeling maybe it was my fault...if I had only taken on the sole responsibility to get up each time with her he would have never been acquired to be placed in that position of being too tired and less tolerant. So, many years passed before I ever told anyone. He was such a good guy. Why did it happen? How could anyone blame a precious baby for crying? I did not have the answers then. Later I found that he had a horrible early childhood growing up and his own mother would leave him at a very young age to take care of his young sister and she would cry and he would always get so scared as to how to make her stop crying. I am not a psychologist, but I assume somehow this one incident just made him snap. No matter what. it was inexcusable. I think that it was at the very moment of the incident that I lost respect for him. I just covered it up, blamed myself and made sure he was not left alone with her as a baby. The marriage did not last but a few years after that incident. It was not the incident that ended the marriage. I just think it was a pivotal point with me towards him. When you loose respect for someone things just start going wrong. We did not spend as much time with each other. He chose golf over the family outings and I chose to stray away from the marriage emotionally and physically. I look back now and think and know that we might have made it if I had turn myself back to God. We as a couple, as a new young family should have graced God's place of worship. We did not. From the outside we were the "perfect" couple, the "perfect" family. We had a beautiful house with a swimming pool, new cars and lots of toys. Outside was a "Cinderella story" inside their was no happy ending. Before we divorced we separated a few months and then reconciled to only end a horrible physical altercation later. I remember the day my father came to my place of employment to offer to "buy my divorce." And I took him up on the offer. I might not have showed it, but it was a hard thing to do. He was my best friend and the father to my child. Our divorce date was final in court the day my grand father died. It was again a pivotal point in my life. Again, I can only say how I wish my option of saving my marriage would have been to turn towards God for answers and solutions. But I did not. We divorced and I continue working hard, moving up the company ladder and thinking it was all me getting ahead. Oh, not!! It was God allowing me to be blessed to only later show me a lesson in obedience. ((hugs until next time..)