It's Been a month?

WOW, I cannot believe that it has been over a month since I have posted on this blog!! Well, with summer here and my kiddo home, I have been busy with my focus on her and family. Today, being July 4th, I want to just say that I hope each of you take the time to really ponder on "being free." Living in the US we are all "free" and with so many liberties. But do you know that "being free" and "being freed" are such a vast difference. Think about it. Being free we tend to forget about our privileges. BUT being "freed" as Christians is such an accountable statement. We are held accountable for our Christian actions. We are to set "Christ like" examples. Although none of us can ever be without sin nor perfect. We are to ask forgiveness for our sins. And because of Christ's death, are sins are washed clean! I saw a movie today. It was about how each of us should do one Act of Random Kindness each day. Even if it is feeding or giving water to a stray dog or cat. WOW!! I know that there is a commercial on TV that stirs the emotions of "paying forward" actions of kindness. That is how we should ALL live, Christians and NON Christians. I have found that even if we have forms of disabilities, we can still in even small ways help others. A card, letter or email to someone, letting them know that you took the time out to let them know you were thinking of them. So, HAPPY 4th of July, be happy that God gave you the privilege to live here in the U.S.A. and to also be "freed" from your sins when asking for forgiveness. Forgiven by the blood that covered those three old rusty nails that held our Sweet Jesus to that cross.

Bruised Beginning.

Hello beautiful yet bruised ladies. Aren't we all bruised. Isn't that just part of living life. We learn from our bruises. Some bruises a little deeper than others. But on the most part, on a daily process of life, we forget about the bruises until we "bump" that area again and go "ouch!" That was how it was with my decision to go out of town for a couple of days. I had such a range of emotions from excitement because NO MAN had ever wanted to just whisk me away without me having to pay and empathy that my brother was ill. Even with his blessings, I felt guilty. I went. It was so many experiences wrapped into only a few days. He worked for the airlines so we were able to ride first class, something I had only done one other time and not by choice$$$$. He had a limo to pick us up from the airport once we arrived. Oh, I guess you might want to know where we arrived to. Well I will give you some hints. You do a lot of walking in the day or night time, there are so many variations of society and nationality, it is very noisy, you do not find many clocks to check the time, you can find all variations of foods at all hours of the day and night and mostly it is know for all the brilliant lights that light up the sky once the sun goes down. Las Vegas. Once there we checked in. I do not think my mouth could stay close. I was so amazed at all the surrounds around me. I remember him turning to me and saying "I could watch you all day just for entertainment. You are like a young child in amazement with big bright eyes and smiles of awe." I guess I was. The first time I sat down at a slot machine I was amazed how I could put in 1 quarter and win $200.00 on the first pull! Well, I was hooked from beginners luck. I was disappointed that if I had just put in 3 quarters I would have had $600.00!! There are a lot of stories of beginners luck in Vegas I think that is how they hook ya! I did not know what I was doing, but it was fun. I would later go back numerous times to Vegas, Reno, Lake Tahoe. Even one time I walked away from a machine because I thought I had broke it when all the lights went crazy and started making noises, I was so embarrassed (I thought I had tilted it like a pinball machine) that I immediately walked away. Only to find out that it had hit a jackpot worth thousands and the person who saw me get up jump in my seat to claim the winnings. Which I suppose that maybe it happen that way because they needed the money more than I. Sorry that I have drifted from my story. The nighttime was so enchanting walking along the bright lights. And the man I was with was so romantic. I truly felt like Cinderella who had finally met her Fella. It was on the evening of our last night that at 11:00pm he looked at me and said "let's get married!" In that instant my response was about to ultimately tip my world upside down. We made it to the courthouse by 11:30pm (that was the days when the courthouse stayed open all night) and off we went to the Little White Chapel. We were married a few minutes to midnight on February 14 th in the back seat of a limo at a the DRIVE THU Window of the Little White Chapel. It was the craziest thing I had ever done, and I had done a lot of crazy things. This one just happen to not be on my list to do. We flew out the next day and I found that in a moment up in the air it hit me, A BRITNEY SPEARS MOMENT, "what had I done?" "how am I going to explain this to my family? my child?" My child would be the easier of all, she was still small enough to not understand and she did already have a good relationship with him. Her father was already stepping slowly out of the picture of her life. I was now truly Cinderella who married her Fella. In fact my staff at work nicknamed me Cinderella and even purchased me a glass slipper to sit on my desk. Once home I think I did not tell my family for a week and finally my new husband said it was time. Oh ladies, I began feeling that feeling when I stopped my walk going down the isle to my first husband and now here I am having to confront my family with the news that I just got married in Vegas. (This is one of the only times in life that I could really relate to Britney Spears.) And I was right about my fears. My father was not happy. My brother was, my mother was because she knew that I was growing so tired of having to always be the "provider and leader" of a household, but my father was not. And so, it began. Ladies I can honestly say that I never regretted getting married. I regretted having it not blessed by God. I regretted all the horrible things that were to soon come with my father for that decision, but the marriage I did not regret. But for my choice, I had to accept the discipline from my Father. His rage towards my brothers illness now had a focus for ME. And so, it began.

A Bitter Sweet Decision.

It was a few months after my Grandfather's passing that I bumped into a man that I had met 5 months prior through a friend. We said hello and spoke for a while. He happened to ask me where I was headed out to next and I told him, without thinking anything about it. I left my friends and went onto my next destination to meet up with some more of my friends. After a short time there he appeared again. We enjoyed our conversation and started a good friendship. He was established with his own home and a great job. This was quite different for me because all of my other relationships I was the one who was goal oriented and established and the men seem to just be "settled for where they were in life." This one was different. He was someone that I could see where I would not have to be the main provider, he could take care of me! I felt like Cinderella, my Prince Charming had arrived. As this relationship was rapidly growing my family was stuck with another tragedy. My brother had become very ill and had finally gotten up the courage to tell us his diagnosis. He had AIDS and that his time was near the end. I had known for many years that he was gay. He finally came around several years before and told my parents. They did something amazing...they accepted him still as there son. They did not react as most parents at that time and dispose their relationship with him because of his choice. In a time when SO Very many people were dying of AIDS, they accepted that they would be there for him in this final process. He told us that he had been diagnosed years before but had not wanted to alarm us because he was afraid we would be too scared of the word "AIDS". I look back now and see how he himself was So Very careful about eating or drinking around us. He kept a watchful eye on us to not eat or drink after him. (keep in mind this was a time period when the Aids Epidemic was at its highest in America and no one really knew how it could be contracted.) My brother was the poster child for Tall Dark and Handsome. There was always women chasing after him for his attention and affection. He was a natural flirt with women and the women who surrounded him at his workplace did not even know he was gay. It was only within a month of my Grandfather's death that my brother ended up in the hospital with the beginning of the end of his life. It was if he respected my Grandfather in all his traditional views and his Christian life that it was if when my Grandfather died, my brother took a deep breath and said "it is OK now, I can die." As if he held onto not letting my Grandfather ever know in fear of his disappointment. The months that followed were so hard on my parents. They immediately swooped up my brother and brought him back home to live out his remaining months. My father most of all became his primary caregiver. My mother had not even really have the time to grieve of her father's passing, and she and my father were having to prepare to bury their son. My brother was in and out of the hospital so many times in such a short period. One time at the hospital my brother was disoriented and in and out of consciousness and he spoke of wanting to go back to the room with the beautiful flowers and colors. There had been no room that he had been in that was full of flowers and beautiful colors. Was he getting a glimpse of Heaven? I remember the floor that he was on was full of Aids patients. Everyone was so paranoid and afraid of catching Aids that everyone was always required to wear gloves and masks. (We have come so far in the education of Aids since this time I am writing of.) My brother was stripped of any pride and reduced to be cared for as a child. I would take care of my child, go to work, run by my parents home to see my brother for a short time after work and then leave to go pick up my daughter. It was hard being a single mom at this period of my life. I was asked to go on a trip for a few days with my newly found friend. I went to my brother and asked him first. I wanted assurance from him that it was OK to leave him for a few days. He urged me to go stating I needed it. I think back from time to time and see how maybe that was selfish of me. The decision was a bitter sweet decision in my life. It all was in such turmoil. My parents were stressed, I felt guilty. Yet, they did not want me around so much because of me having a child, their grandchild. They did not want her exposed so much nor me. So with first my brother's consent and then my parents I took that trip. And it was truly bitter sweet and charted a new course for my life. That decision started such a controversy in the relationship between my father and me that it damaged our relationship forever. It was if my parents were not facing things. As I said, my mother had not really gone through the grieving process over her father and was in denial with my brother and focusing her attention on my daughter. My father was angry and needed something to release the anger...and I became the target. My father had always been controlling (and still is) and he had no control over my brother's illness nor my life. I understand now. But then, it was so hurtful. I really thought my father was loosing his mind...but it was worse....he was loosing my brother, his son. My brother made a decision that radically changed his life. I too made a decision that radically changed mine. But with my decision, it was not finalized by death. With mine I still relive it every time my Father brings it up.

His tragedy, My blessing.

Growing up I only met my Grandfather twice before the tragedy in his life brought him to live in Texas. Sometime tragedy brings forth a "new birth" in our lives. Unfortunately it was a great cost for my Grandfather to end up moving to Texas. He was involved in a house fire which ended up with the loss of his beloved wife. It was so sad, and he was so heart broken. He had found her late in life after my Grandmother had died many years earlier. I remember flying up with my mother to pick up my Grandfather and bring him home to live with us. It was all so sad. But through it all he was confident that he would see his beloved in heaven one day. My Grandfather's roots were deeply planted in his spiritual life with Christ. I remember the many times he was always found reading his Bible and praying. The Lord blessed us with bringing him to Texas. I grew so close to him in so many ways. Fishing, playing cards, listening to him play his many musical instruments and of course all the wonderful stories he had to tell of his past. Out of tragedy, I was blessed by getting to know the man called my Grandfather. And oh how he loved my child, his great Grandchild. He always wanted to live to see her reach 16, but he never made it. He died when she was only 4 years old. We were lucky to have taped video of him telling his stories and playing his musical instruments and of course all the pictures of him beaming with love around her. These are her memories to cherish, and mine. I remember the day the day he died. I had been in court for my divorce and had originally taken the day off from work. I had called into work to see how things were going when I was informed of my Grandfather being taken to the hospital. I immediately went to him. I found my brother and mother sitting in his room. Knowing that he was a devoted Christian I told my mother to tell him it was OK, we were all there and if he wanted to go on, it was OK. We would be OK. We surrounded him and even though there was no acknowledgement from him, I believe he heard us. He never spoke. His eyes remained shut. My mother and brother took a break from the room and it was just me sitting there, holding his hand. I remember the nurse coming in and out and it was moments later my Grandfather passed away. I called for the nurse and for someone to find my mother and brother and I sat there just holding my Grandfather's hand as it grew cold. That was my first experience to be around death so closely. It was all so peaceful. Even if that time I was not back in my Christian walk, I knew my Grandfather just had to be over there greeting his beloved wife again. I miss him, I miss everything about him, good and bad. But I am so very lucky to have gotten to know him and what a wonderful man he was. But one day, I hold on to the fact that we will be together again. And if there is any Fishing in Heaven, hopefully we will be fishing together again. Take each day to try to hold onto memories of those past, and do not waste time in the sorrow of the day they died, but in pleasant memories of how they lived all the other days. (I cannot take credit for that line, Dr. Phil quoted it the other day.) Love you ladies, (( hugs ))

On the Outside Looking In

Hello again! I left you when I had recovered from the carbon monoxide incident. I worked hard for many years at this one company. I began working at a entry level and soon was transferred up to supervisory level. It was during this time I met my second husband, yes I did say "second." He like the first was my best friend at first. We enjoyed fishing and just about everything together. We married after a year and within another year we had our beautiful baby girl!! During all of this time I continued working up until the day of her birth. I believe the last few weeks I did go to part time, but I took a lot of work home and was basically still working. I was so lucky in so many ways while working. I had fallen numerous times in the hallways and I never injured myself or my child. I had even contracted chicken pox (for the 6th time) and my child was not affected. It was a tradition that every Saturday we would go to my parents to play cards with my mom and grandfather. Oh how I loved those days, and my grandfather!!! I will fill you in more about him, and how wonderful our sweet Lord brought him into my life! This particular Saturday night, was just like any other. We played cards until 10:30pm and we went home. I think I finally got to sleep at midnight to only be waken up at 2:00 with labor pains. My water broke about 3am and off to the hospital we went. I was SO nervous but never showed it because my dear husband was a basket case!! It was but a few hours later we had our beautiful girl in our arms. I only had labor for a few hours and then she was born. She was born at 7am and I was home by 1pm the same day. Yes, I did say that I was home with my baby just 6 hours after giving birth. It was not easy but I did get my doctor to finally sign off on it. Mother and baby was just fine. I was so grateful for my wonderful mother, she came and spent the first 10 days with us to care for the baby. I never told her, but I was so relieved because I really had the FIRST BABY fright of not doing everything right. Those were good months at first, until the day came that I just cannot get the image out of my head. My husband and I took turns on getting up with the baby. It was his turn. She had been crying and he could not get her to stop. He was tired and cranky and he just lost it. I was laying in bed and I heard him yelling. I jumped up out of bed and ran into the nursery to find him yelling at her and shaking her. Ladies, I just cannot tell you the emotions that came over me. I ran up to him, grabbed her into my arms and pushed him away. I was so shocked by his actions. I knew that from that moment was the most pivotal moment in our lives as a couple. I tried to talk to him about it. And made the decision from that day forth not to ever leave her alone with him until she got older. What a awful feeling it is to know that you cannot tell anyone what happened because he was such a good man. I began feeling maybe it was my fault...if I had only taken on the sole responsibility to get up each time with her he would have never been acquired to be placed in that position of being too tired and less tolerant. So, many years passed before I ever told anyone. He was such a good guy. Why did it happen? How could anyone blame a precious baby for crying? I did not have the answers then. Later I found that he had a horrible early childhood growing up and his own mother would leave him at a very young age to take care of his young sister and she would cry and he would always get so scared as to how to make her stop crying. I am not a psychologist, but I assume somehow this one incident just made him snap. No matter what. it was inexcusable. I think that it was at the very moment of the incident that I lost respect for him. I just covered it up, blamed myself and made sure he was not left alone with her as a baby. The marriage did not last but a few years after that incident. It was not the incident that ended the marriage. I just think it was a pivotal point with me towards him. When you loose respect for someone things just start going wrong. We did not spend as much time with each other. He chose golf over the family outings and I chose to stray away from the marriage emotionally and physically. I look back now and think and know that we might have made it if I had turn myself back to God. We as a couple, as a new young family should have graced God's place of worship. We did not. From the outside we were the "perfect" couple, the "perfect" family. We had a beautiful house with a swimming pool, new cars and lots of toys. Outside was a "Cinderella story" inside their was no happy ending. Before we divorced we separated a few months and then reconciled to only end a horrible physical altercation later. I remember the day my father came to my place of employment to offer to "buy my divorce." And I took him up on the offer. I might not have showed it, but it was a hard thing to do. He was my best friend and the father to my child. Our divorce date was final in court the day my grand father died. It was again a pivotal point in my life. Again, I can only say how I wish my option of saving my marriage would have been to turn towards God for answers and solutions. But I did not. We divorced and I continue working hard, moving up the company ladder and thinking it was all me getting ahead. Oh, not!! It was God allowing me to be blessed to only later show me a lesson in obedience. ((hugs until next time..)

Beginning 20 Desert Years...

These next blogs I should call my "desert years" with God. They are the years that I never turned to God. I just kept thinking that my importance in life was centered around my career. I made choices that I know that God cried for my sake. I was the child that loved to ride and race motorcycles and cars, always on the edge. I would drag race up and down the streets with my friends. My father always supplied my brother and I with a variety of "toys" to play with that just happen to all have motors on or in them! If it was not for my condition today, I would be instilling in my daughter the variations of speed from motorcycles and cars to boats and snowmobiles. Numerous times over and over I should have been injured more than I ever was. God was with me, even if I was not "with" Him. Looking back, I now stand firm on the verse in "You have been with me from birth and have helped me constantly." Psalms 71:6 and "I cannot count the times when you have faithfully rescued me from danger." Psalms 71:15. The next 20 years of my life I look back now and see that God might have been saying, "she is just not getting the message, with this one we need to really make her wake up!" And glory to God, He did just that! I went through my years of "clubbing and drinking and dancing." I was never one to dabble in drugs because I really like to stay in control, afraid that I might do something embarrassing to myself. I remember my parents always fearful of my drinking because alcoholism runs in the family bloodline. But I did not have the mindset of drinking to be drinking...mine was to drink just enough to be outgoing, rather than shy and timid. I know it just had to be my sweet mom and all her prayers prayed over myself and my brother during our growing years away from home. But I keep going back to, as children we were raised in religion, right from wrong and even if we did grow away from the church, the roots...our foundation was of that of "goodness" even if it was not of "godliness" at that time. It is the foundation of childhood that as we grow older we see how it sometimes assisted us in making our decisions when we get in those "desert years" away from God. I just cannot imagine how I would have turned out if I never had that foundation. (( hugs ))

To Soar

Hello ladies! I hope you each enjoyed your Mother's Day weekend! I think one of the hardest jobs is to be a mom. We share heartaches and joys with our children, watching them make choices not always so right. We can only guide them and prepare them for the day they leave the nest. I can only imagine how it would feel to push a baby bird out of the nest at an altitude of 30 feet and hope it flaps it's wings to fly and one day soar. I sat outside for a while Saturday just enjoying looking up in the sky and watching the martin birds soar overhead. As I sat there staring up I observed their love of soaring high then diving low. Every once in a while a few buzzards would glide by. (I live in the country.) I thought of how that is how life is. We soar at the top of the mountains and sometimes we dive low into the valleys. And through both occurrences there are buzzards who are waiting and watching for their reward if we make a deadly mistake. That is like our Christian walk. We are given mountain tops and valleys and Satan is always watching, hoping that we do not put our thrust in God. I left the last posting of how I ended my first marriage. I then transferred to another job to leave behind my heartache. I found a adorable house to rent close by my new job. I dove into my new job responsibilities at work and home. There was a time period that the "adorable" home became a death trap for me. It was winter time and I had been ill for a week and not getting any better. With working with doctors all day you would think I would be more receptive to going to the doctor when I was ill. But no. I did not go in because I just assumed I had the flu. When it had been a week since I could not go in to work and I seem to be getting worse I finally called my mom. I told her that I seem to be unable to shake the flu and was too ill to drive myself so maybe if she could, she could take me to the doctor the next day. I also told her how cold I was and I thought something might be wrong with the gas heater and asked her if she could send my father over to look at it but that he would need to use the spare key I gave them to let himself in, I was too sick to get up. Dad came over a short time after and when he opened the door he said it took his breath away. He immediately went into my bedroom and got me up and sat me outside the house. I did not know what was going on until he started to raise all the windows and open all the doors. The house was so full of carbon gas from the leak of the gas furnace. I had been absorbing it and it making me ill while I just thought I had the flu. Days later when I began to feel better I met the owner back at the house. He was so upset and happy that nothing had happen to me and he began removing things from the wall to show me the difference of wall colors from the carbon. I was so astonished. I could not believe that I had not just drifted off to sleep and died. The owner sent a fire recovery team out to clean all my belongings and the house. Everyone could not believe that I was still alive. How could I have managed to get any good oxygen in my lungs to keep me alive. Carbon is a silently deadly killer it slowly takes your life. I look back now and realize now what I did not then. God was with me. Even if I was not back in the "plum line" of my walk in faith. He had His angels looking over me. He is an AWESOME GOD. He knew He had a plan for my life...A PURPOSE for me to live. I would not know that purpose for many years to come. After the incident, I recovered and dove into building my career. Single and once divorced and still not in the "plum line" of God's Best for me. Again I was given the " Y " in the road and I did not choose the best path for me. God still had lessons for me to learn. He wanted me fly in His Glory, but I just did not "flap my wings" and the buzzards stayed close, watching me, hoping that they would get the chance to reap benefits from my demise. Life went on. My career continue to build......I thought I was in control. (hahaha...oh was I soooo wrong.) Ladies, take time to look back over your life. Be grateful for the good experiences as well as the lessons learned in the bad. The buzzards will always circle, looking, waiting...we MUST continue moving. I am so humbled by all the times God saved me. He was always there. Waiting for my return. I am so humbled and full of sorrow for never running to Him, but continued to turn my back on Him. So as our Heavenly Father, He saw that I was not learning...and it was time to teach me in a different way. Maybe my grace was that I was never a "bad" person and I did have such a heart for helping others, that God felt there was still hope for me. Hope that I would make the right decision to soar with Him. ((hugs to each of you.)) As we are Mother's to teach and prepare our children for life...so is our Heavenly Father. He teaches, prepares and loves us so. He so wants us all to SOAR with Him!

Love

Good morning,afternoon or evening...depending on when you are reading this blog. I am moved to blog about "love" today. We "love" many things. We may "love" chocolate, yet dislike what it does to the scales. We may "love" the NEW CAR smell, yet dislike the car payments that come with it. We may "love" to eat fresh fruit or vegetables, yet dislike a few of each category such as grapefruit or turnips. In our world there are many people who we do not like in their actions, yet the Bible instructs us to love one another. God does not "love" us because everyone of us are lovable...but because it is His nature to LOVE EVERYONE. "Love one another as I have loved you" John 15:12. He is telling us that he will bring numerous people around our daily lives to whom me may not respect or agree with their actions, BUT we are to LOVE THEM! Ladies there will be faced with unusually difficult people in our lives that it is just against our nature to "love" them. This is when we must find our discipline obeying the Lord and obey what He commands, to LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Those are the people that we must nurture our attitude with those types of people.

In my past life loving people was not as strong as my love for something else...not human but my career. In the same way you can love chocolate it cannot always be so good for you and your weight gain. Sometimes the things in life that we "love" are at a cost. It can range from love of foods and weight gains, love of having new stuff and the bills that come with it, love of nature and the allergies that we get.

Again, in my case it was my career. I was raised to always be a hard worker, character is reflected in your job performance. I remember loving to go to work SO much that I would actually beg my mother to allow me to miss school so that I could go into work. It was not about the money as it was that I felt emotional attachment in what I was doing.

Over the years the money was just an added bonus because I loved doing what I was doing.

What was I doing you ask? I was in HealthCare Business Administration. It seemed like from at a very early age I kept advancing up in the company. Back then I thought that it was ALL ME, oh ladies...how very wrong I was. It was our good Lord facilitating it all for His plans which He had for me.

I watched marriages fall because of my dedication to my career. Yes, unfortunately I did say "marriages." I married after high school to a wonderful kind and lovingly good young man. Everyone said we were the "perfect couple." He had been so bruised and hurt by his previous fiancee who he had given up his career in semi-pro baseball that I felt compelled to show him that he was worthy of love, yet I ended up hurting him also. In the end we both ended up hurting each other.

We had dated for over a year and we married and split up after 4 months of marriage. We attempted to work on our marriage for another year and when I thought we just might be reuniting I was surprised in the mail with FINAL Divorce papers. I knew that we had signed the originals but we had decided to not file them. He had even shredded up the papers and mailed them back to me showing that he never filed them. So, when the FINAL papers came in the mail, I was devastated. It put me in such a tailspin that I think that is when I really made a dive in to making my love my career.

Ladies, the signs were there in the choices I was making was not of God's will. My father refused to walk me down the isle (he said he knew it would never work) and my brother walked me down. I remember the morning of the wedding wanting to call my future husband and tell him I could not go through it. But I just could not bare for him to feel the hurt. I remember the church doors opening for me to be escorted down the isle and taking the first couple of steps and pausing. My brother leaned over and whispered in my ear that "you know, if you are having reservations about marriage I will turn you back around and we can call this thing off." In that moment, which seemed a lot longer than they actually were, I looked at my future husband with tears streaming down his face of love and then at my mother sitting alone, without my father, and thinking how could I let her down with all the expense she had gone through for her daughter to have the "Big Wedding." So, I kept walking.

I believe that when something is not truly ordained in God's Will it will not withhold time.

And shame on me for again hurting a wonderful man who was I knew was bruised from the beginning. We always remained in contact until a few years ago. He moved from our relationship to another marriage, another divorce and now another marriage with two beautiful twins and living in Alabama. I have always wanted only the very best for him. He was and is a good man.

So, "love" comes in all different forms and costs. But the one thing that is for sure...if we could always remember that when that cashier is not so pleasant, we need to look at her or him with the knowledge that we are not always so "lovable" ourselves BUT OUR FATHER remains steadfast in HIS love for us. He ALWAYS loves us even when we disappoint Him.

Love one Another as He has chosen to "love" you. THIS DOES INCLUDE: the person who cut you off in traffic, cut in line, destroyed your property, hurt your feelings or greatly disappointed you in life. The list can go on and on...but God's commandment is still the correct and right way..."LOVE ONE ANOTHER."

We must work out our salvation...

Today I was reading my daily devotionals and read about how God does not force us to walk correctly before Him. "We must work out our own salvation which God has worked in us." (Philippians 2:12). We must each take the initiative to get into the habit of prayer and praise and reading God's Word. I am in a point in my life that is indistinctly that I get my cup of coffee each morning and look so forward to opening up my Bible and devotionals to see where God is leading me. It is not all about seeing as it is hearing God and then heeding His directions. I made a commitment with myself that each morning that I wake up and see that God has allowed me to be here on earth one more day that I would immediately thank Him and then ask Him " Lord, what can I do for you today? How can I be your vessel to give you the Glory?" Some days are more quiet than others. And some days I just know that it is God working through me. Those are the days that I feel so very blessed that He uses me to help others!!!

The two times in my teens I immediately ran to "church" when I was hurting the most. It was because my mother had aided me in the "habit" of turning to God for answers and peace when I was in a crisis in my life. I just took for granted that I was to ALWAYS turn to God in good times and bad. Unfortunately I just kept turning to Him in my times of Crises. I see that a lot in some Christian walks. They are beating down the doors and pleading prayers when they are in crisis, yet after the Gracious Heavenly Father walks them out of their storms..they forget about the continuation of remaining in an intimate relationship with God.

I am not proud of the way that I treated God...he got me through so many ruff times and then I would slip back to my old ways. With me, I was His stubborn child and did not remain obedient to Him. So, just as a parental father, He knew that it was time to "discipline me" in order to bend my ear to listen to Him.

I believe that the good Lord let me go through so many things so that I can help others in so many ways now. He has made me obedient to Him and reminds me to stay humble.

My walk with the Lord now is so intimate and so personal that I am Perfectly OK with being "different" again. Because the difference in me now is HOW I LOVE MY LORD!!! How I am no longer discarding Him and His nudges He gives to me.

My previous posts got me up to the age of about 18. Here is where the discipline begins to come in. I call it my "desert years" where God was attempting to get me to humble myself and learn that He had a Purpose and a Plan for my life. These are the years that He provided me with SO much and I just kept thinking it was me advancing my career...But it was not me...HE was ALLOWING ME to gain and build confidence so that the trip down to the end result would be to HIS GLORY.

Until tomorrow, bless you and may you be a blessing to others!!!! (( hugs ))

The Long Walk not knowing who was beside me...

It was 2 years later that I experienced God's hand in my life again. Regretfully, it was a similar scenario with the same young man that I had given up so much for. I was in a club and we had a horrible fight. I stormed out and began walking. I was not walking towards home, which was about 15 minutes from there...No, I began walking to the same church, which was over 20 miles away. I walked along the side of the interstate, in the dark, in high heels and crying. I remember struggling as to why I had an urge to keep walking forward to the church. I was not even sure if they still kept the doors unlocked anymore. As I was walking there was a car that kept slowing beside me and a man who kept urging me to get in so that he could give me a ride to my destination. I kept telling him "no" and he would go up to the next exit and somehow end back behind me again, pleading me to get in because it was too dangerous for me to be walking alone. Again and again, I told him "no!" This went on for many miles, and it was not until I was at the church that I no longer saw him. I went in and sat again, in the back of the church. With my feet with blisters and eyes swollen from all the tears I felt safety, just sitting there in peace. As I sat there, as before the same sweet woman came out of the prayer room and walked directly up to me as if she had been waiting for me. She counseled me and again told me that God had a plan for my life. We wept and prayed together. And again, I made promises to God. It was a few years after this incident that I happen to be watching the news and the main story was on a man who was stalking women up and down the very same interstate that I was walking on that night. He would offer the women rides and then once he got them in the car he would kill then. When the man's face appeared on the screen I KNEW. I knew that God was right there with me as I was walking that night because it was the same man who had urgently requested me to get into the car with him. His face is still etched in my mind today. He was caught and found guilty for tens of women he had murdered. He is no longer alive, dead for his murders. "For he orders his angels to protect you wherever you go." Psalms 92:11, Living Bible So ladies, God did have a plan for me. He again showed me and again I made promises to Him in the moment that I did not keep. Oh, as I stated before,how I feel such sorrow knowing that my Heavenly Father was there with open arms to protect His child....I ran to those arms and received His protection and love and forgiveness and then only to discard those moments later and go back to my old life my old ways of the world. How Christ must have wept. As a mother, I know now how it feels to bail my child out of when she is hurt or in trouble and then to only watch her go back to her old ways. It hurts and it is so frustrating. As you continue to read this blog, you will see how our loving Father forgave me, but he also disciplines me for my actions, just as a parent does. I may have many battle scars from my trials that I placed upon myself, but I am so grateful for the experience of each. If it was for me to go through these hard times in my life to help another beautiful woman in pain and in similar circumstance...then it made it all worth while. My only regret...is that knowing that I hurt my loving Heavenly Father over and over. Those are the feelings that keep me humble. Until next time...(( hugs )) to each of you beautiful women. Remember, God loves you.

The Concrete Wall

Growing up I was raised in church and as I grew older I began to stray away and become more of the world. It was hard for me growing up because I was always so ridiculed for being "different." Different in the sense of only being allowed to wear dresses to school including in P.E. class, except I was allow to wear shorts under my skirts. Different in the sense that I could not wear makeup nor cut my hair. ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE...I was always tallest in the school up until I began High School. Of course I remember the ridicule, but I also remember the teachers who would pull me aside and tell me how nice and refreshing to see me always dressed so nicely for school. They would always reassure me that I was building great character. It was when I received my license and began to work that I began drifting. I remember getting my hair cut and wearing makeup at first. It was really great at first, then I was no longer "different" I became blended with everyone else. I became no longer identified to others as being "different." At 16, I began dating and fell crazy about one young man. There was a breakup in the relationship and I just thought that my world was over. Ladies, haven't we all been there at some point in growing up? This particular time I wanted to end my life. It was while I was traveling at a high speed down I35 and in the left fast lane where I was beside a concrete barrier that I decided to turn the steering wheel into the wall. In my mind I was preparing myself for hitting the wall and then instantly dieing to end my broken heart. It was to my surprise that as I opened my eyes, I had not hit the wall at all. I had not even scratched the car! The MOST CONFUSION of it all was that I was now further down the interstate and did not know how I got there let alone how the car remained straight. I was now a few exists from the church I had attended for many years and I knew that the doors were always left unlocked. With that in mind and the experience that I had just went through, I was so drawn to go to the church. The lights in the church were kept dim and I sat down in the very back and lowered my head and began to pray. I guess I might have been questioning God more than actually praying. I felt a presence move in behind me and knew that I was no longer alone. Scared, yet I immediately felt peace as I felt a touch on my shoulder. It was the hand of a dear sweet prayer warrior of the church. I immediately began to weep. Without words from me, she began to immediately pray for me and then began telling me how she had been at home and God nudged her to leave from her home and come up to the church. She herself had struggled with the request because it was late and she lived over 30miles away. But as an obedient servant of God, without knowing the reason for the task, she just went. And now she knew why, it was for her to be there for me. It was God's plan for her to be there. To counsel me and to reassure me that God had plans for my life. To tell me that it was not by MY CHOOSING when I would terminate my life. (Jeremiah 29:11,KJV) "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you...to give you an unexpected end." To the unbelievers, they will say the whole scenario was just my subconscious that played out a scene in my head in a matter of seconds. And that as a "Prayer Warrior" the woman was normally at the church. To the believers, it was the hand of God. As I shut my eyes and turned that wheel- HE kept it straight and forward. And it was God to have that woman waiting for me. It was ll in HIS PLAN. I regret to say that moment in my life when I was making promises to God again, I ended up not keeping them. It was only a short time when I pushed the memory of it back in my mind and began to slip away from church again and back out unto the world. It brings tears now to think of how my actions must have made Christ feel. He gave His life for me and I took and discarded His love. Until tomorrow ladies, love to you and remember...we are children of God when we commit ourselves to Him. Our Heavenly Father watches us make mistakes, but He loves us and wants us to come running back to His open arms of love and protection.

Loss of Pitch

Hello again. I really did not know what I wanted to blog about today. But does it really matter what I want. I say a prayer each time before I sit here to begin creating my posting..I depend on the Lord to lead me in the direction He wants me to go with the blog. Before I start todays blog I wanted to add something I forgot to mention yesterday. I wanted to let you know that I hold strong to the belief that God choses each of us before we are ever born. When my sweet mother was with child (me) she experience a severe loss in her life, her mother died a few weeks before I was born. I truly believe that the good Lord gave me to my mother when He knew she would need me the most. He later did this again for my mother with her first and only grandchild when my brother passed away. The Lord knows what we need and when we will need it before we are ever born. So why is it that we continue to muddy things up by thinking we are in control and know what is best for us? Because we are human. We make mistakes when we come off His path that He has chosen for us. I left you yesterday with me still in my teens. I remember there was one evening where my father and brother was in a horrible argurment and it left my father injured, bleeding and slumped on the floor. I remember seeing my brother pick up a coke bottle and break it over my father's head. My mother was crying and immediately began praying while I ran into the far end of the house and locked myself up in the bathroom. I was screaming and crying, in my thought process I thought that one of the two would not come out alive. I am not sure how long I was in there, I do know that I screamed with such force for that period of time that I have never recovered my singing voice again. What once was a voice who sang in all the choirs and even on a recorded album through the High School Choir can no longer carry a pitch. But I think that now God still smiles at me and is happy with my not so polished vocals. If it had not been for my brother injuring my father that night and my father going to the hospital for scans, we would have never known that my father had a tumor on his brain that needed to be removed immediately. That tumor had been growing for years and we were told that it was at a point that my father should have been passing out and in a coma. So you see, God's hand was in this. It may have been a horrible occurrance, but it saved my father's life. We never know why at the time...but eventually God allows us to have later in life those "ahha" moments. Those moments for a little insight and evidence that He was there with us. Until tomorrow...may you be blessed and be a blessing to others. (( hugs ))

A Lesson Learned

This statement is such a proclamation of my life and all it's good and bad experiences. I am one to say, "no, I do not regret any of the lessons I learned especially the ones that brought me to my knees...my only true regret is knowing how I must have hurt my Heavenly Father so many times." I was born in a very sheltered life with one other sibling. My mother was and still is someone who always grounded in Faith. My father was raised in knowing God, but turned away at an early age. It was my faithful mother who instilled the discipline of going to church in my brother and I in our early years of life. I look back now and see just how hard it must have been for mom to keep on keeping on with raising us in church, while my father stayed away from the church. It did nor does not make my father a bad person, he is a good man and has always been a wonderful provider...he just has not hit his place in life to come back to Christ. It hurts to see him age knowing that he has not committed his heart back to God. My brother and I was raised knowing that my mother was holding in her feelings with my father's infidelity. My mom remained with my father, she remain in her marriage and gave forgiveness to my father. It was forgiveness, but mainly she kept giving her marriage to God and looking for Him to guide her emotionally and in every aspect of her life. My mother may have never forgotten all those years, but she did forgive. And when those feeling began to overwhelm her, she would seek God to bring her peace. She never stop praying for my father and I would not be surprised if she had even prayed for his mistress of all those years. What does that say? It says that God wants us to forgive! He does not want us to harbor feeling of hurt...we are to give those emotions to Him so that He can provide us peace with the situation. If we walk around with all the weight of hurt and pains of situations...they stand in our way of our walk with Him. How can our hearts be filled with Him, if we harbor pain or hurt of what others have done to us? It does indeed affect our walk with God. My mother gave her pain to our Heavenly Father and he got her through those years. My father never left us for the other woman...in fact my parents are still married and working on their 50year anniversary. You ask, why I am starting out this journey with my mother's story...well, it is not really my mother's story as much as how it effected me growing up. It gives you a little background of my world as a child. But MORE IMPORTANTLY, it says volumes about forgiveness to others. We are to forgive others and that every time those feelings come bubbling up from our well within...we are to send prayers up for those people who have hurt us or disappointed us in life. Ephesians 4:32, "...forgive each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." This small act of my mom to my father was far smaller that Jesus's remark while on the cross "Father forgive them" Luke 23:34. So as a child, I watched my mother be such a living example of the type of forgiveness our sweet Father wants from us. 2 Corinthians 2:10 "But whom you forgive anything, I forgive also; for indeed what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ.." It was later in my years I would put into practice my mother's example of forgiveness. It was then that I truly understood the peace and loving embrace that we receive when we give our deep hurts and pains to the Lord. He graciously and eagerly takes them from us and provides the most UNBELIEVABLE PEACE to us. So my dear sweet ladies...remember forgiveness in the small and big situations, the Lord wants to reward you with the peace only He can give to you. (( hugs to each of you ))

Through It All

Ladies, If I was smart enough I would know how to attach the song "Through It All" to this posting. The song goes "Through it all, Through it all, I learned to trust in Jesus I learned to trust in God. Through it all, Through it all, I learned to depend upon His word." BEAUTIFUL SONG!!! That is how I so try to live my life now because I must learn to depend upon Him. That is what He wants! It is out of the broken life that there is a flow that brings forth the fullness of Christ!!! The moment we recognize out complete weakness and our dependence upon Him that He uses that moment that the Spirit of God will exhibit His Power for our needs. The Bible has numerous examples, like PETER, who was though he was so self-suffient in the beginning. Jesus knew in order to use him, Peter would have to be brought to a place of self-despair. Then God could use him. Another great example, MOSES thought he was capable of delivering Isreal. God had to break Moses by 40 years of stern discipline in the wilderness. It was in Moses's brokenness that God could use Moses. Moses's weakness, brokenness, and humility provided God the wonderful opportunity to show His wonderful powers!!!! That is where I am in my life. I have been blessed to become broken, weak and greatly humbled by God. Some of us it takes God to bring us completely to our knees to turn back to Him. It was God that allowed me to gain so much and then loose so much to realize, He was in control NOT me. He has to punish some more than others, but through it all He does it for us for our own good and with love. Things in our life happen so that with our broken and contrite spirit He can use us. I look back over my CRAZY life and realize, HE allowed me to experience so much so that I can help others in so many ways. Even if that help is only understanding their situations and yeilding a loving and unjudgemental heart. That is where I am. And I am so greatful for it all, every incident, every trial, ALL of it Good and Bad. It was all for me to look upon and GLORIFY GOD!!!! And ladies, He never stops molding us. He is the potter of our lives. AND HE LOVES US and FORGIVES US for all the stupid stuff me do to muddy up what He wants for our lives. So with that said. Psalms 22:22 .." I will prais you to all of my brother (AND SISTERS), I will stand up before the congregation and testify of the wonderful things you have done for me.." Psalms 22:25..."Yes I will stand up and prais you before all the people. I will publicly fulfill my vows in the presence of all who reverence you name..." Living Bible I AM TRYING, even if it is this blog. Satan can say to me that no one may never read it...but I press forward because it can be a tool for even 1 person that the Lord can use me for touch. It would ALL BE FOR HIS GLORY! So Sweet Ladies, bare with me. I am not a writer. I am only 1 Woman who knows that my Lord and Savior is a wonderful Father, Provider and Friend to me and my child. And I am compelled to share, share, share and tell each of you....GOD LOVES YOU. He loves all your bruises, failures and chocolate craving craziness!!! AND He smiles brightly and full of joy when you receive the blessings He has in store for you. Loves and hugs to you and tomorrow we will begin our journey of sharing. To God Be the Glory!

The Begining of this Blog...

Well there is a beginning for everything and here it is. I wanted to start this blog that it might help or encourage another woman to continue to remember that we all share life journeys. Sometimes there are easier journeys than others. But we all make mistakes AND YOU KNOW WHAT....God still loves us! He allows us to go through things so that we can become stronger in faith and that we remember that we R to dependent on God for our strength. So with this blog I will share with you a few stories of my life. I have been blessed with a most unique and various experienced life. God wanted it that way so that I might relate to other women on so many levels. Isn't He such a All Magnificent God!!!! His Purpose and His Plans made out for our lives before we were ever born. So, check back as I share my life with you...some really unbelievable things have happen.